Good morning, I'm calling the Parcel Post....

There is such an audacious machine standing around your work or flat. Quite large, equipped with a computer with computing power capable of winning a game of chess with a medium-sized fern. The beast talks, but rarely. It only opens when you ask it to. In its natural habitat, the parcel machine can somewhat resemble an elephant - we like it, although it is a little intimidating.

For some of us, however, it embarrasses us more than it should. Those who are more embarrassed by the possibility of receiving their parcel in the yellow machine (also known as: postal-something) call the hotline dedicated to the lost and report the capricious behaviour of the "sunny ATM". Below, in thick type, you can read excerpts from authentic conversations between customers and our Technical Support.

It always starts innocently enough:

- Hello, I am an online shop.

We will help either way. The problems are divided into those of a philosophical nature and those of a more logistical nature. They are all equally pressing. Before the customer goes to the Parcel Machine, doubts begin to multiply. What do we do then?

- I tried calling the parcel service.

We have also tried. This is the kind of philosophical request that must go unanswered. Our hint: call Technical Support straight away. Sometimes, however, the problem runs deeper:

- I'm afraid someone might have sent me a bomb. Or... did you read what happened to Kora and her dog Ramona? I don't want to end up like Ramona because I'll pick up a package of drugs!

Well, however much the prosecutor has dropped the investigation into the amusement dog, we still advise against sourcing similar goods. If you are worried that your cheerful friends are playing a perverse trick on you and ordering prohibited substances to your address, this had better go back to the sender. If, on the other hand, you are expecting a bomb, our advice is universal - it is always better not to receive than to receive.

- Which Parcel Post are you under?
- Under yellow.

That means we are there. Now there's some clicking to be done. How?

- Please touch the screen, the one at head height.
- With what?
- With your finger.
- Aaa!

Sometimes the instructions need to be more detailed:

- Press the screen with your finger.
- Which one?

Other troubles come from the desire to find shelter:

- I don't know how to enter the Parcel Machine.

And all the luck! We know of a case from the Czech Republic where a baby got into a Parcel Machine. The whole story ended well, but let's remember - a baby is liquids, gases, breakable and fragile things all in one. That is, everything that our regulations prohibit sending.

The fauna also appreciates the qualities of the Parcel Spiders. A medium-sized spider weaves its web in no more than three hours. To do so, it chooses a location that provides it with peace and quiet and sufficient food. A touchscreen? Sounds about right. On one occasion, our technicians had to intervene following a hysterical report concerning a spider that had taken to allegedly clicking buttons on the touchscreen of a Parcel Machine.... from underneath. It was allegedly so large that it was single-handedly, methodically entering receipt codes and opening boxes. The technicians did not find the spider. The call was probably from Ramona.

The weakness of some customers may also be the overzealousness that forces them to go to pick up a parcel by skipping steps at the touchscreen:

- I tried to open Merlin because it was Merlin and she was in unscripted, but thank you I've managed.

To this day, we have not found out how. Thanks to other reports, the servicers knew to look for a crowbar trail after such a declaration:

- Aa, there's no voltage and you can't open it? Call a bum with a crowbar and he'll open it for you!

Or were you passing by a Parcel Machine and something just caught your eye?

- What glue do you use to glue these sheets together?
- I beg your pardon?
- Because I need one.

Sometimes the urge to get closer to the Parcel Machine is stronger than reason. Reason says "choose your shopping money, find an ATM", but the heart insists "put your card in as soon as possible, anywhere, see what happens". So there goes the notification:

- I mistook the ATM for a parcel machine. Please now tell me how to remove my card from the slot.

There are also individuals seeking companionship:

- Good morning, I have a problem.
- Go ahead and speak up.
- My girlfriend is in Avon.

Well, it's always better than at the Parcel Post. Picking up a parcel in someone's company? Let that person enjoy themselves too! There are so many boxes around, buttons - a sea of possibilities. Below is an excerpt from a conversation after the problem was solved:

- Thank you very much for your help. See you soon! Bye! [and suddenly the same person on the page:] what are you clicking me here k***a, if you want to click then call yourself, get it done and not that you're only spoiling it!

By text message you should receive a collection code.

- My husband deleted my text message.

We'll take care of the text message and let you take care of your husband.

- And I am then supposed to put my mobile phone under this reader?

The content of the text message must be entered at the appropriate time - and a minor note - the code is entered on the screen of the Parcel Machine, not on your phone screen during the call with Technical Support.

- I enter a 6-digit code and it tells me it has to be a 9-digit code.
- Please read carefully.
[moment of silence]
- It was not written earlier.

And time flies.

- And can't it turn on faster? I have to pee.

Quietly, we are nearing the end. October last year:

- Can I still pick up the package from May? It's about a tree.
- Unfortunately, the package has certainly been returned to the sender.
- With despair] But it was a treeoo!
- Ooo, I'm getting there, I'm getting there, ooo I'm getting there on how to pick up the package, thank you.

All the pleasure is on the sunny side. Have you managed to pick up your parcel? Give us a call!

- My score is 5 seconds! What prize awaits me?

Such as in the sapper game - congratulations and a ranking entry. Didn't manage to pick up your parcel? Give us a call too!

- I am a lawyer! It's not over yet! You will be hearing about me yet!